Saturday, March 24, 2007

Conversations with Dad 2: Clockwork Orange Juice

We begin mid-phone conversation.

Dad: So last night I was going through all my old advertising art portfolios...

Ces: Oh, cool. Any reason?

Dad: Just so I know I had one last look. In case for some reason I die in the future.

Ces: Ah.

Dad: Anyway, apparently I really came up with a lot of great shit.

Ces: I know you did.

Dad: No, really. I mean terrific shit. Not like the goddamn garbage advertisers use today.

Ces: Find any ad in particular that you liked?

Dad: Well, remember those commercials?

Ces: What commercials?

Dad: The ones they used to show a couple of years ago?

Ces: You mean in the nineties?

Dad: No, about ten years ago.

Ces: Ten years ago would be the nineties.

Dad: No, you know the ones I'm talking about. What...what the hell was it called?

Ces: You gotta give me a little more info, Dad.

Dad: Y'know, the...the orange juice commercial.

Ces: Uh...Minute Maid?

Dad: Don't be a fuckin' wiseass.

Ces: What?

Dad: What was it...Tropicana! And you're supposed to be the smart one.

Ces: What?

Dad: Remember how they used to show some idiots stabbing their straws into the...the...

Ces: Oranges.

Dad: Right, so they could get real orange juice.

Ces: What about it?

Dad: Well, I was thinking about those ads yesterday.

Ces: Why? They haven't shown those commercials in like twenty years.

Dad: No, ten. Anyway, I remembered I had come up with the same exact idea way back in the sixties. So I went downstairs and found the slide I did showing a straw stuck into an orange. Do you know how long ago I did that illustration, Cello?

Ces: Ces.

Dad: Ces?

Ces: Ten years ago?

Dad: 1964! I have the date written right next to the goddamn' orange! 1964! Can you believe those thieving rat bastards?

Ces: What bastards?

Dad: Tropicana! They stole my fuckin' idea!

Ces: What makes you say that?

Dad: Because I came up with it first!

Ces: But maybe they came up with the same idea on their own.

Dad: How could they? I came up with it first!

Ces: But that doesn't mean they stole it.

Dad: Of course it does! I came up with it first! If they came up with it after me that means they swiped it.

Ces: No it doesn't, Dad. After all, there are more people than ideas in the world. Don't you think odds are that sooner or later two people are going to come up with the same idea exclusive of each other?

Dad: But they didn't have to come up with it because I thought if first!

Ces: Dad, listen. You know how when you're sitting next to Mom and you both have the same thought at the same time without saying a word to each other?

Dad: No.

Ces: Really?

Dad: So what should I do?

Ces: What do you mean what should you do?

Dad: Should I go down there and beat them up?

Ces: Go down where? Beat up who?

Dad: Go to the advertising agency to punch out the thieving art director.

Ces: Let me get this straight. You're going to go to an agency whose name you don't know to beat up someone you never met who worked on a television campaign back in 1982?

Dad: You want to come with me?

Ces: No. No I don't.

Dad: I'll bring the slide.

Ces: Is that what you're going to hit them with?

Dad: No, I'm bringing a bat.

Ces: What?

Dad: Your bat from Little League. The one you said you didn't have room for in your apartment. You know, Ces, we have so much of your goddamn old shit just crammed in our garage that...

Ces: Focus, Dad. Bat. Revenge.

Dad: Oh, right. So you in?

Ces: No.

Dad: I could really use your help.

Ces: See you in five to ten years, Dad. Less with good behavior.

Dad: Wait, I thought you were coming next week to visit.

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